


And We Do It All Again

by memories_are_all_we_have



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Eventual Happy Ending, Getting Together, M/M, Multi, Not Really Character Death, Polyamory, Suicide Attempt, Time Loop, they die but in a time loop so they don't stay dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-16 09:08:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29079864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/memories_are_all_we_have/pseuds/memories_are_all_we_have
Summary: Jim has two big problems right now. The first is that he is hopelessly in love with his First Officer and his Chief Medical Officer, and neither seems to return his feelings. The second is that he's stuck in a time loop where his ship is destroyed and his crew killed, over and over again.Things can never be simple for James T. Kirk, can they?
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Spock
Comments: 42
Kudos: 98





	1. Chapter 1

When Jim opened his eyes, a soft sigh fell from his lips. He'd been dreaming again. The same as usual- Bones and Spock, both by his side. Not as friends, not _just_ as friends, but as so much more. Waking up alone was getting harder and harder. Jim rolled to his side, then closed his eyes. He hadn't bothered to clean up after his and Spock's chess match last night. The pieces were still scattered around the table and two glasses, one still half full, sat on the table. Spock had declined a drink, but Bones rarely turned down whiskey. It had been a nice evening. Quiet. Just the three of them. It had left him extraordinarily sad, however. Going to bed alone after such a peaceful evening felt cruel. If they'd have stayed, it would have been perfect. 

Of course, for that, they'd have to return his feelings. Which they didn't.

Jim sighed again and scrubbed at his face, then threw his legs off the bed and shuffled to the bathroom. Once he was properly cleaned for the day, he dressed. He headed for the mess hall, smile rising without thought when he saw Spock seated alone, eating while reading from his PADD. Jim grabbed his own meal, then plopped down across from him. 

"Good morning, captain." Spock greeted, setting his PADD aside. 

"Morning, Mr. Spock." Jim smiled at his first officer. 

"Our match last night was quite riveting. Your skill is improving."

"You mad that I beat you?" Jim teased. "We can always do a rematch tonight."

"That would be most pleasant." Spock agreed. "Will Dr. McCoy be joining us?" 

Jim's heart skipped at the thought of being alone with both of them so soon. "I bet he will. I can ask him- now actually." 

"Ask me what?" Bones asked, sitting beside Jim and eyeing the two of them. 

"Spock and I are gonna have a rematch. You comin?" 

"Depends. Will there be whiskey?" 

Jim's chest hurt and his smile deflated. He'd used the last of it the previous night. "Not this time."

Bones shrugged and started eating. "Eh, why not. Should probably drink less anyway." 

Jim felt his grin return. "Great! Meet in my cabin around 2300?"

"Affirmative."

"I can do that." 

"Perfect. Now, Mr. Spock, we should head to the bridge."

"Correct, captain." Spock stood, nodding to Bones. "Until tonight, Leonard."

"Bye, Bones!" Bones waved them off, rolling his eyes as Jim lead the way to the turbolift. 

"I must admit, I do find the recreational time spent with you and Dr. McCoy quite enjoyable." Spock commented as they rode it to the bridge. 

"Aw, you're really turning into a sap on me, aren't you, Spock?" 

Spock quirked an eyebrow at him, a small smirk on his lips. He stepped onto the deck without a word. 

"Captain on the bridge!" 

"Status report, Mr. Sulu?" Jim called, eyes following Spock to his seat. Damn those sharp Vulcan features. Damn his firm ass. Damn him.

"Starfleet sent us new orders this morning. There's a planet in our sector they want us to check out."

"Set the course. How long?"

"Only a few hours. We should reach it before the end of Alpha shift." 

"Good." Jim leaned back and watched his crew buzz around him. He allowed himself to get lost in it all, filling out reports and other paperwork, sneaking the occasional glance at Spock or around the deck. It was a peaceful shift. 

Until it wasn't. 

"Sir, there's an unidentified ship approaching." 

Jim frowned as Sulu called out the notification. "Hail them." 

"Yes, sir." There was a pause, a moment where Sulu did as he was told. "They're not responding, sir." The frown deepened. 

"Try again. And-" His order was cut off as the entire ship shook, an explosion dangerously close. 

"We've been hit, captain! Damage to engine one!" 

"Shields up, Sulu!" Jim shifted forward, hands clutching the armrest. "Arm the phasers and-" Screams cut him off as they were hit again, then again. 

"Shields at twenty percent!" 

"Fire back!" 

Jim barked, eyes glued to the ship looming, unaffected, as they returned fired. "It didn't even dent their shields!" Sulu called. 

Jim swore. "Can you get us out of here, Mr. Sulu?"

"Yes, sir. I just need to-" Sulu was stopped as the ship was hit again. 

"Shields at ten percent!" Chekov called. 

"Damn it! Sulu, get us out of here!" 

"Sir, they destroyed one of our engines, I can't warp!" 

Jim swore loudly. If there was a way out of this one, he couldn't see it. Right now, the best he could do now was save his crew. "Evacuate the ship! Everyone to the pods!" He ordered, hitting the alarm as he stood. Immediately, the bridge crew hurried out, red light flooding the darkening room. Sulu did not move. 

"Mr. Sulu, that's an order!"

"The autopilot is down, sir." 

"Yeah, well we're not going anywhere anyway." Jim grabbed his arm and yanked the pilot from his chair. "You're not dying today, Mr. Sulu." Jim snatched the photo of Demora off the console and shoved it into Sulu's hands. The pilot's eyes widened. "Get to your pod, now!" 

"Yes, sir." Sulu nodded sharply and sprinted away, his daughter's photo clutched in his hands. 

"Captain-" 

"Come on, Spock, we have to go." Jim said, turning to his First Officer. Spock walked towards him, but another hit had him stumbling into Jim. The captain caught him and hauled him back to his feet. "Go on. I'm getting Bones and then I'll be right behind you." 

"Doctor McCoy would not want-" 

"I don't care." Jim was already running, well aware of Spock right on his heels. "Get out of here, Spock!" 

"Negative. I will not leave you, captain." 

"Damn your loyalty, Spock." Jim shook his head, but didn't argue as Spock caught up and ran beside him. Truth be told, he was always glad to have Spock by his side. Around them, crew members were frantic as they rushed to the escape pods, panic and fear overtaking the ship as each new hit shook the vessel. Jim could feel her coming apart. 

His heart broke. 

Right now, however, he was focused on getting to sickbay and dragging Bones out of there. 

They practically fell inside as another blast struck the ship. Jim swore again. He could feel it; the shields were gone. "Bones!" 

"Jim, what the hell are you doing here?" Bones snapped, eyes only briefly going to the captain as he helped Nurse Chapel drag a patient from their bed. 

"Getting you out. Your patients are all cleared, come on." 

"Yeah, yeah, okay." Bones glanced at Chapel again, but she was clearly fine. "Let's go." 

"Good. Come on, I-" Jim was cut off as the world around him exploded. He gasped as he was thrown back, landing in Bones' office. "Bones! Spock!" The world spun as he fought to open his eyes, to understand. What he saw sent a bolt of ice cold horror down his spine. 

Spock was clinging to the broken remains of a wall, Bones' hand clutched in his. Beds and equipment flew out the opening.

Time seemed to slow as Spock tried to pull Bones to him, his face growing greener with each passing moment. Bones had already gone blue. "No!" Jim screamed, watching in horror as Spock's eyes rolled back and he lost his grip. "NO!" Around him, the air buzzed and he knew before it happened. 

The world exploded into pain and horror and despair as the ship fired again.

And then it went black.

. . .

Jim woke gasping. 


	2. Chapter 2

Jim thrashed, legs tangling in his sheets, and ended up on the floor, clutching his chest and sucking in breath. Panicked, he kicked off the sheets and stumbled to his feet. 

It was only when he realized he wasn't being sucked into the emptiness of space that he paused. 

He stood in his room, blinking and taking deep, plentiful breaths. With a shaky hand, he glanced at the clock. Seeing the date, he exhaled deeply. A dream. It had only been a dream. His eyes turned, pausing on the chess board and glasses. A shiver ran up his spine. 

Just a dream.

He rushed through his routine that morning, unwilling to admit even to himself that his hands shook a tad. Seeing them would help, he decided, and the sooner he got to see them, the sooner he'd feel better. Once he was dressed, he headed for the mess hall, trying to keep his face relaxed. Something caught in his chest when Spock was seated in the exact place he'd been in his dream, reading, but Jim pushed it away. Spock sat in roughly the same place every day. And he liked to be productive, so the PADD wasn't strange either. Still, he knew he was tense as he sat across from his First Officer. 

"Good morning, captain." 

"Morning, Spock." 

"Our match last night was quite riveting. Your skill is improving."

Jim blinked, mouth going dry. He just knew Spock well. This wasn't weird, it didn't _mean_ anything. "Thanks, Spock. Glad you had a good time." 

The corner of Spock's mouth flickered down. "Are you well, Jim? You seem startled by my comment and you are, as Dr. McCoy says, fidgeting." 

"No, I'm okay. Just had a weird dream." Jim threw his friend a reassuring smile and allowed himself to lightly touch his First Officer's forearm. Hands were a whole thing for Vulcans, he knew that, but a forearm should be okay. Besides, the contact made it easier to prove to himself that this was real and that he _hadn't_ just watched the two people he cared about most die. "Anyway, let's have a rematch tonight. Bet you beat me this time." 

"Not this again." Bones plopped down beside Jim, scowling. Jim grinned and let his arm- the one not touching Spock- wrap around his friend's shoulders. The contact did wonders in calming his racing heart.

"Yes, this again! You wanna come?"

"Depends. Will there be whiskey?"

"Not tonight. You drank everything I had last night." 

Bones snorted and started eating. "Like you didn't help." 

"Come on, Bones, it'll be fun!" 

"I dunno if I can suffer both of your presence without a drink." Bones smirked, quirking an eyebrow at Jim. "But I can try." 

"Great! We can meet in my cabin at 2300." 

"Affirmative." 

"I can do that." 

"Perfect." Jim paused, pushing aside the words that came naturally. "Spock, we outta get to the bridge." 

"Correct, captain." Spock stood and nodded at Bones. "Until tonight, Leonard." 

"See ya, Bones!" Jim grinned as Bones waved half-heartedly, something fond flickering in his features even as he rolled his eyes. 

Jim fell into step with Spock as they headed for the turbolift. Inside, Spock spoke up. "I must admit, I do find the recreational time spent with you and Dr. McCoy quite enjoyable." 

"I'm glad, Spock. It's- It's quite enjoyable for me too." 

He felt Spock glance at him from the corner of his eye, but he didn't comment further. They stepped on the bridge together, then separated for their respective stations.

"Captain on the bridge!" 

"Status report, Mr. Sulu?" Jim asked, a strange nervousness crawling over him as his pilot responded. 

"Starfleet sent us new orders this morning. There's a planet in our sector they want us to check out." 

"Okay." Jim hesitated. It had only been a dream. They were on an exploration mission, after all. It was a common enough command, it wasn't surprising. 

"Sir?" Sulu glanced at Chekov, then back at him. "Shall I set the course?" 

Jim cleared his throat. "Yes, Mr. Sulu. Thank you." 

"Yes, sir." 

He forced his attention to turn to his paperwork (paperwork that felt too familiar, too much the same as before), though was unable to keep from occasionally glancing out at the stars. Time crawled by and he found himself painfully tense, worry circling his mind. It had just been a dream. A frighteningly realistic one, but a dream all the same. After his shift, he'd head to his room, meet Bones and Spock, and tell them about it. They'd calm his fears and assure him that he was, in fact, being ridiculous. It'd be okay. He just had to finish this shift. 

Then Sulu spoke and he felt as though all the air had left the room. "Sir, there's an unidentified ship approaching." 

Jim sucked in a breath and ground his teeth, forcing his shaking hands to steady. "Hail them." 

"They're not responding."

"Shields up. Then try again." 

"Yes, sir." As Sulu moved to act, the entire ship jolted. 

"We've been hit, captain! Damage to engine one!" 

Jim swore, a cold panic washing over him. "Are the shields up?"

"Yes, sir, but the hit came while I was putting them up. They didn't block the entire blast." 

"Fire back immediately!" 

"Shields at twenty percent!" Chekov called. 

"Firing now!" Sulu tensed. "It didn't even dent their shields!" 

"Get us out of here, Mr. Sulu!" 

"Yes, sir. I need-" The ship shook again. The hit took the lights with this time. 

"Shields at ten percent!" 

"Sulu, can you get us out?" 

"The engine is too damaged, sir, I can't warp!" 

"Damn it! Evacuate the ship!" He commanded, slamming the button. Red light flooded the room and Jim strode to the console, already pulling Sulu up. 

"The autopilot is down, sir, I need to stay and-" 

"Get out of here, Hikaru! That's an order!" 

"But sir-" The ship rocked again. 

"Think of Demora!" 

Sulu's eyes went wide. Jim felt guilty for the bluntness, but it got the man moving, and that was what mattered. Jim turned his attention to Spock immediately. 

"I need to find Bones."

"I will accompany you, captain." 

Jim nodded sharply, not bothering to argue. The memory from yesterday- the dream, the _damn dream_ \- rose, but he pushed it down and pressed on. 

"Bones!" The ship shook, more violently this time. The shields were down.

"I need to get my patients off this ship. Go without me!" Bones barked, not even looking at Jim.

"Come on, Bones, we can't stay!" Jim insisted, even as he pulled a patient out of bed and helped Nurse Chapel get a grip on him. She dragged the man- the last patient, he realized, as Bones helped Dr. M'Benga with another. 

"Alright, alright. Lead the way." 

Jim moved, knowing the two were behind him. Fear gripped him as the world exploded again, however, and he was thrown into Bones' office. 

"No!" 

Spock and Bones, clinging for dear life. 

"Bones! Spock!" 

Spock's eyes rolling. Bones' face going blue. 

"No! No!"

Spock let go. Jim screamed. The world exploded. 

. . .

This time, he shot out of bed, eyes fearful as they found the clock.

Same time. Same day. 

He wanted to believe to it was a bad dream. That he was stressed and his brain had come up with some weird situation to cope with that. But it had all been too real for that. He didn't know what was happening, but he had to stop it. 

He barely pulled on appropriate clothing before taking off, sprinting for Spock's room. He pounded on the door as soon as he arrived, heart racing. 

"Jim. It is quite early, is all well?"

"No. You have to listen to me. I dunno what's going on, but I've been through this day twice now and both times, the Enterprise has been blown up and we all die. I need your help stopping it." As soon as it was out, he knew how insane it sounded. He was certain Spock thought he had lost it, but he was simply staring. When he spoke, his voice was void of emotion. 

"Why don't you come inside?" Jim blinked, confused, but let Spock usher him inside. "Were you able to sleep last night, Jim?" 

"What? Yeah, I guess. Spock, you're missing the point!" 

"I am not. I am simply assessing the situation. You are certain these events were real?" 

"Yes. Like I said, I don't know how, but they were! We have to do something!" 

"Indeed." Spock looked at him a moment longer, then cautiously raised his arms. "You are shaking. May I hug you?"

Jim blinked. "Uh- what?"

"Hugs are customary means of comfort in Earth culture, correct?"

"Well- yeah." 

"Then I wish to comfort you. This has clearly caused you great distress." 

"I guess." Jim was still confused as Spock hugged him. He couldn't recall if Spock had ever hugged him. "I'm just glad you aren't calling me crazy. I thought you'd think I lost it." 

"Believe me, Jim. I do not think you 'crazy,' as you say." Spock released him, sincerity in his eyes even as his features remained neutral. "I do apologize, however." 

"What? What are you-" He didn't have a chance to finish as he felt Spock's fingers at his neck. The world was black before he even hit the ground. 

The first thing he registered when he came to were voices, low and worried. 

"-clearly believed these events to be real." 

"Jesus, Spock. You did the right thing bringing him here." 

"Will you be able to determine what is wrong?" 

"Yeah, I should. He's probably just been pushing himself too much. You saw how tired he was last night." 

"Exhaustion could cause delusions." 

Delusions? "Bones. Spock!" Jim forced his heavy eyes open and tried to sit up. He found he couldn't. 

"Woah, Jimmy, relax." Their faces appeared in his vision. 

"Spock, what the hell!?"

"I apologize, captain. You were clearly in a state of panic and I believed Dr. McCoy could best assist you." 

"I'm not having delusions! The ship is going to get attacked! Let me up so I can stop it!" 

Bones frowned, eyes worried. "Kid, calm down. We're gonna figure out what's wrong, okay? You're gonna be fine." He was being _gentle_. Bones was never gentle. 

He really thought Jim had lost it. He struggled harder against the restraints, anger and despair and betrayal flowing through his system. "Damn it, Bones! Just listen to me!" 

"You're not makin any sense, kid. The ship is fine." 

"Yeah, _now_! But we're gonna get attacked!" 

"Jim-" 

"I saw the crew dying! I saw you both _die_! I need to save you, let me save you!" 

Spock and Bones exchanged a look. A hand closed around his and squeezed. "We're right here, Jimmy." 

"Don't touch me, damn it!" Jim thrashed violently, too angry to properly appreciate the gesture. "Listen!" 

"I'm gonna put you to sleep again, kid. We'll figure this out, I promise." 

"No, Bones, don't! Please, don't!" But it was too late. Jim glowered at Bones, then Spock, as he felt the hypo kicking in. "Damn you both!" He snarled before his body relaxed on its own account and he fell unconscious again. 

When he woke the second time, the world was red. Bones was beside him, yanking his limp body- still weak from the sedative- off the biobed. Jim leaned again Bones, groaning as the doctor practically dragged him to the door. 

"Leonard!" Spock skidded to a halt in front of them, then grabbed Jim's other arm and helped drag him towards the door. 

"What the hell is going on?" Bones hissed as they stumbled to the door. 

"We are being attacked." Spock explained shortly. Jim was too weak to say 'I told you so.' 

"What? By who?"

"I do not-" 

The explosion cut him off. This time, Jim watched, horrified, as Bones was sucked out of the ship. The only thing keeping him from the same fate was Spock's strong arm, his grip painful on Jim's bicep. 

"BONES!" 

"Jim!" Spock pulled at him, but it was obvious the lack of atmosphere was affecting him. Jim himself already felt lightheaded. Black spots filled his vision and he passed out before Spock's grip failed. 


	3. Chapter 3

Jim slammed a fist down on the alarm clock, not bothering to even glance at it this time. He could still feel the ghost of Spock's hand. He curled in on himself, pain and fear cocooning around him. 

"Computer, lock door. Captain's override Kirk-Alpha 304." As soon as the order was given, he rolled onto his stomach and pulled a pillow over his head, painful sobs rising in his chest. He'd lost them. All of them. Three times now. What kind of captain was he? He couldn't even save his own ship. 

It wasn't long- or maybe it was; time seemed to have changed for him- before someone was knocking at the door. "Captain, you are approximately eleven point eight minutes late for duty. Are you unwell?" 

Jim forced himself not to answer. Maybe if he did nothing today, nothing would happen. Sure, there'd be hell to pay tomorrow, but if he could just _reach_ tomorrow, that would be okay. 

"Captain, I must insist you respond to me or I will be forced to enter." 

He just wanted to see tomorrow. He wasn't sure he could survive seeing them die again. 

"Jim, I am unable to override the lock. What have you done?" 

It was too much. He couldn't have them, couldn't hold them. That could have been okay. But this? All he could do was watch them die. He'd give anything to not have to see that again.

"I am calling Dr. McCoy." 

Time fell away slowly, broken only by Spock's continued knocking, then Bones' voice. 

"Kid, what the hell is going on!?" 

The computer informed him that they wanted permission to access his quarters. He denied it each time, keeping his voice low and soft. Best they didn't hear him. 

"I swear to god, as soon as I know you're alive, I'm gonna kill you myself!" 

It didn't seem unreasonable, hiding here. Who would be able to stand seeing the people they loved die over and over? It just wasn't fair. Maybe he was having a breakdown. It would make sense. Or maybe he was in some sort of stasis or trance, put there by a species determined to punish him for one reason or another. To push him to the edge until he couldn't handle anymore. It wouldn't be the weirdest or most insane thing that had ever happened to him.

"Damn it, Jim!" 

If he was in a trance, though, he shouldn't have been able to consider that it was a trance. His mind shouldn't have let him. That's how it worked, right? Spock would know. Hell, Bones might even know. He'd have to ask sometime. Maybe the next time around.

"Kid, please." Jim blinked, stiffening. Bones sounded on the verge of tears. He'd _never_ heard Bones sound like that. "Please, open this fucking door." 

Jim considered it. He really, truly did. Because Bones should _never_ sound so desperate, so scared. Before he could stand, however, the entire ship rocked and Jim knew he was too late. 

As the attack commenced, he pulled his blanket over his head and prayed Mr. Sulu was a better captain than he was. 

No such luck.

. . .

He went through the motions the next time, feeling numb all day. Bones and Spock both shot him worried looks at breakfast, but he was gone before either could question him. On the bridge, he knew the crew could tell something was wrong, but he didn't care. He okay-ed the mission, but ordered Sulu to take a less direct route. 

When the ship attacked, Jim found himself frozen behind the console, even as the crew fled. It was only Spock's hands, dragging him away, that got him moving. They headed for the escape pods, despite the part of Jim screaming to get Bones. On the way there, they found Chekov, having fallen in the last blast. Something about seeing the ensign pushed Jim from his haze.

"Come on, Chekov!" Jim pulled away from Spock and dragged the man to his feet. "We're both too young and beautiful to die here." 

"Captain, my ankle-" 

"I got you, don't worry." Jim didn't hesitate- he lifted the man and kept going, Spock on his heels. They reached the pods this time and Jim shoved Chekov towards the first one. 

"Captain, please, you should go first!" He protested weakly. 

"You know a good captain never goes first, Pavel!" Jim argued back, forcing a smile as he got the young man- God he was a _kid_ \- inside. Chekov saluted as the pod closed and took off. 

"Now you, Mr. Spock." 

"Captain, it would be logical for you-" 

"I am not leaving you, Spock!" 

"You will not be-" 

They didn't have time to argue further. The world exploded- Jim had heard and ignored the first explosion after the shields fell, knowing too well what it was- and the safety of the Enterprise was suddenly gone. 

The last thing he saw before passing out was Spock, desperately reaching for him as they were both pulled into space. 


	4. Chapter 4

It happened over and over and over. No matter what changes he made to the course, no matter what he did after it began, he died. Even when most of the crew escaped, even when he dragged as many of them to safety as he could, it wasn't enough. Over and over he watched the ship burn and the crew die.

He wondered if he was actually dead and this was his eternal punishment. Seeing the people he loved- see the two he loved and adored above all others- die time and time again. 

After roughly thirty attempts, he gave up subtly. As soon as he woke, he yanked on his uniform and charged to the bridge, bellowing for everyone to get out. The crew hesitated until he made it an order. Once the bridge was clear, he locked the door, smashed the controls, and sank into the pilot's seat. 

He turned them around, not caring that, if this worked, they'd surely court martial him. That didn't matter. His career, his reputation, all of it was so insignificant right now. If he could save them, _it didn't matter._

It wasn't long before the com buzzed to life. "Spock to bridge." 

"Hey Spock." He couldn't bother with the formalities. He was too tired. 

"Captain, the Gamma shift leader has informed me that you took control of the bridge and I have been unable to enter. What is the meaning of this?" 

"Sorry, Spock. I don't think I could explain even if I wanted to." 

"Captain, why have you turned us around?"

"I have to keep you safe." 

There was a pause. "I am perfectly safe now, Jim. What is going on?"

His heart snapped in two. Spock knew what calling him 'Jim' meant to him. "I'm sorry, Spock." And with that, he flicked off the com and focused on flying. When the console informed him of a foreign ship, rage spike in his chest. 

"Damn it!" He brought up the shields and, just as the first hit came, hit the evacuation order. Then he ground his teeth, took the controls again, and buckled in. Even as he watched pods shooting away from the Enterprise, he knew it wasn't enough. So, as the shields fell and the blows came, Jim allowed himself to close his eyes and wait for his death. 

. . .

He almost screamed when he woke. This time as he lay in bed, he didn't bother locking the door. When Spock arrived, he simply looked at his First Officer, a icy numbness crawling up his chest, and rolled to his side. Spock disappeared, then came back several minutes later with Bones. 

"Jim?" The bed sank as his friend sat on the edge beside his head. "What the hell is goin' on?"

"Captain, this behavior is most unlike you. What is troubling you?"

"I'm sorry." 

"I see no reason for you to be." 

"I can't save you. It just keeps happening and no matter what I do, you both die. I'm sorry." 

"We're not dead, Jim. We're right here." Bones pressed a hand to his cheek. Jim would have cried if it was any other time. 

"I'm not dissociating, Bones." Still, he relished the warmth of the hand and the comfort offered by his friend. "It's real. It was real and I couldn't do anything." 

They hovered over him all day, trying to get him to properly explain himself, but from there, he knew there was nothing else for him to say. They wouldn't believe him either way and he couldn't stand to be apart from them. At least this way, they were by his side. Even when the ship shook and the alarms blared and they dragged him out of his room, he was with them. 

At least this time they were deep enough inside that they didn't die till the entire ship exploded. This time, he was dead before he was able to see them vanish. 

It was a morbid blessing. 

. . .

He rose, feeling calmer than he had in days. 

His fingers were surprisingly steady as he lifted the phaser, chest aching, and turned the dial from stun to kill. It was cold against his temple. 

The world was black seconds later. 

. . . 

He got a few stares from crew members as he ran down the hall in his pajamas, but it was easy enough to ignore them. Even Spock seemed surprised.

"Captain, what-" 

Jim didn't let him finish. He simply grabbed him by the wrist and dragged him towards the sickbay, ignoring the questions and concerns flying from his First Officer. 

"Jim, what the hell are you doing?" 

"I need you both to come with me." 

Bones and Spock exchanged a look, but seemed to silently agree to listen. Jim lead them to the pods. "Jim, you must explain yourself. Your behavior is becoming increasingly alarming." Spock said as Jim opened a pod. Jim laughed.

"Sorry, Spock. It'll make sense later." 

"What do you-" It was only the surprise that allowed Jim to shove first Spock, then Bones into the pod. 

"Jim!" He slammed the button that would seal it, determination burning in his gut. 

"Captain, what is the meaning of this?"

"Jim, you lunatic!" 

"I'm sorry." Was all he could say before the pod vanished. Once it was gone, he sprinted to the bridge.

"A pod just left the ship, captain. What-" 

"Doesn't matter. All of you, go. That's an order." 

"Captain Kirk, I don't understand. Why-" 

"Go! Now!" 

Once they were gone, Jim locked the door, again. Maybe he could do this. Maybe without Spock or Bones, he could save the ship. Maybe it wouldn't matter. They were safe and that was the most important thing. 

When the ship came, he repeated that to himself. They were gone. Everything would be okay, because they were safe. 

Except they weren't. 

"Jim, beam us back aboard! I swear to God-" 

"Bones?" Jim's hand shook as he answered the com, eyes glued to the ship looming before him. "You're not supposed to be here!" 

"Yeah, you shoved your First Officer into an escape pod with no explanation. You didn't seriously think he wouldn't take control of it, did you?"

"You have to get out of here! It's not safe!" 

"Jim, I must insist you beam us aboard. It is-" 

"No! Get out of here! Go!" He hit the alarm, gripping the console as the ship before him fired. "I'm trying to save you, damn it!" 

"Jim-" 

"Doctor, look!" 

"Holy shit! Spock-" There was an explosion, then the com fizzled. Jim's eyes widened and, trembling, he looked away from the ship. 

It was firing on the pods. Even as it tried to destroy the ship, it was killing the crew. 

It had killed Spock and Bones. 

With tears streaming down his cheeks, he sat and stared and waited until the bridge was blown to pieces. 

. . .

Spock and Bones came to him again. 

"I can't keep doing this. I can't do it anymore, Bones. Spock. Oh God. I'm so sorry." His words dissolved into sobs and he couldn't make out much of what they said, if anything. He couldn't blame Bones for sedating him. 

"It's gonna be okay, Jimmy." 

"We are here for you, Jim." 

When he woke in the sickbay, he didn't bother calling out to them. He simply rolled over and squeezed his eyes shut, hoping he went quickly this time. That he was spared some of the horrors. Maybe, if he kept his eyes shut, he'd simply opened them to find himself back in his quarters.

Of course that wasn't the case. He watched Bones and Spock suffocate again. 

. . .

He wasn't sure how many days he spent floating. If these days counted for anything, he'd have missed how much time? Two months, maybe three, spent wandering the ship, doing random things in the hope that it changed something, anything, enough to free him from this God damned loop. 

Nothing ever worked. 

He was glad, briefly, that the days didn't repeat for Bones and Spock. They worried enough each of these days as it was. Dying over and over was probably bad for his psyche. Slowly, he grew numb to it. He accepted his own death as an inevitability. The crews' deaths, however, were another thing. 

One day he watched Scotty try desperately to keep the ship running, only to be crushed as his precious ship fell apart around him. Another he saw Uhura get blasted to pieces right in front of him. Sulu being sucked into space as he tried to save two terrified ensigns. Chekov scrambling into a pod, just in time, only for a blast to come and kill them both. And Bones and Spock. God, he couldn't allow himself to think of all the terrible ways he'd seen them die. It was cruel. Whatever this was, be it hell or a trance or delusions, it was cruel beyond measure. 

He couldn't keep wandering through the ship like this. There had to be something he could do. There had to be. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very quickly, I'd just like to say thank you to all the lovely people who have commented so far! I've tried to respond when I can, but I tend to be a bit forgetful. Either way, please know I appreciate the responses to this story so much! Hope everyone enjoys this chapter! ^_^

Telling Spock about it again probably wouldn't help, but he knew he had to try again. 

"I need you to listen to me. I know you're going to think I'm having a breakdown, but all I ask is that you listen, okay?" 

Spock blinked at him, seated at his desk with Jim sat on the bed. "I will listen." He agreed, cautious. 

"Good. So- God, there's no good way to say it. I keep living the same day over and over. No matter what I do, this ship shows up and starts shooting at us. And no matter what, you and Bones die. Everyone dies, actually. I've tried so many different things, Spock. But nothing stops it." 

"Captain-" 

"Please call me Jim. Just Jim right now." 

"Jim. I am sorry you have experienced this. May I offer you comfort in the form of a hug?"

Jim smiled tiredly. So this was how it went. "Yeah, Spock." He let himself be hugged, his own arms tight around Spock. "I know you don't believe me." He murmured into Spock's neck, eyes shutting briefly. "Just- give me something. Anything I could say that would make you take me seriously." 

"I do-" 

"No, you don't. Come on, Spock. If I'm crazy, it won't hurt anything, hm?" 

"Jim-" Spock paused, pulling back. Jim tightened his grip. 

"Please. I... I need you." 

It was enough to make Spock crack. "If you were to say a Vulcan phrase, perhaps..." 

"I don't speak Vulcan. Give me something and I'll say it next time." 

"This is a delusion, Jim." Spock's voice was gentler than it had ever been. "Feeding into it is unhealthy." 

"If it was a delusion, I'd be angry at you for saying it was." Jim argued. "Please, Spock. This is the only thing I ask." 

Spock waited a moment longer, then whispered into Jim's ear. "I ashaya du mesakh thon-tor." 

"I ashaya du mesakh thon-tor." Jim repeated, saying the words slowly, carefully. They felt strange in his mouth.

"Yes." Spock shuddered against him. 

"What does it mean?"

"It is unimportant." Spock pulled back. "Jim, I apologize." 

"Don't." Jim caught his hand, their eyes meeting. "No Vulcan pinch this time. I'll come to the sickbay, just- let me walk, okay? Give me a little bit of dignity." 

Spock didn't argue, but was clearly startled. 

The ship blew up again. 

. . .

The door opened and Jim couldn't help it. He fell into Spock's arms, longing for the steady, cool touch. 

"Jim?" 

He explained everything, slow and quiet. As he spoke, Spock pulled him into the room and onto the bed, not releasing him. He sat on the bed, arms wrapped around Jim's torso as he spoke. "You are unwell, Jim. Let me-" 

"I ashaya du mesakh thon-tor." 

Spock stiffened. "I did not know you knew Vulcan." 

"I don't. You told me to say it. You said that would convince you I was telling the truth." 

"You must have overheard that. It- I would not have-" 

"Please, Spock. I can't keep doing this. I need you." 

Spock was quiet for a long moment. "I do not understand this. I wish to trust you, Jim, but you must see that your claim is... startling." 

"I know. Maybe next time I'll try to convince Bones." He let his eyes close. "Not that I don't want you to believe me. I'm just so tired." 

"Perhaps Leonard's opinion would be beneficial. Come, we will speak with him." 

Jim sighed, but didn't argue. In the sickbay, he lost track of how many times they scanned his head, his neck, his entire body. 

"I do not know how to explain him knowing such a phrase, doctor." 

"The brain can remember weird things." 

"This loop he spoke of could theoretically be possible, however. Perhaps breaking it requires one to find the path deemed correct by whatever force is controlling-" 

"Damn it, Spock, just let me-" 

Jim sighed as the ship shook and lights flickered. "Go to the pods." He kept his voice soft, too tired to raise it. 

"I will not leave you, Jim." 

"We go together." Bones agreed. 

"I know." Jim hadn't expected anything different, frankly. Still, despair slipped into his tired body. "I just- I don't want to watch you both die again." 

"We're not dying, we're gettin' out of here!" Bones yanked him to his feet. Jim let him, the numbness taking over. 

They reached the pods quickly. "It won't work." He informed them, scanning the crew members around him panicking and clambering to safety- what they thought was safety. He remembered when this sight had set spikes of fear and adrenaline through his body. Now he felt empty.

"Damn it, Jim, snap out of it!" 

"It's too late." The ship shook, hard. "There go the shields." 

"Shut up, Jim!" 

An explosion. "That was the sickbay. Huh. You're usually there." 

"Jesus Christ!" 

Another explosion. "The first set of pods. We're next." 

"Fuck off, Jim!" 

"Jim." Spock grabbed him, hands too tight on his shoulders. Their eyes met and some of the numbness was pushed back. "If what you say is true, ask for my trust as your t'hy'la. I will know you only speak the truth if you do this." 

"Spock-" 

There wasn't time to question him. The pods exploded and Spock was gone. 

. . .

He could still feel Spock's fingers digging into his shoulders when he opened his eyes. 

Something about it all was too much. He found himself unable to return to Spock. Sure, he'd said this word would convince him, but Jim couldn't be certain. After all, the first phrase was supposed to convince him. And it hadn't. 

Instead, he headed for the sickbay. 

He plopped down on Bones' couch, feeling as though the entire ship was pressing down on him. The doctor wasn't in yet, but that didn't matter. It wasn't long before he arrived. Or maybe it was. Time didn't mean a lot to Jim anymore. 

"Jim, what are you-" 

"Take me off duty, Bones." 

"What?" 

"Tell them I'm too sick for duty. Or I've gone crazy. Anything. Just tell them I can't." 

Bones blinked at him, worry and confusion in his eyes. Still, he nodded and sat at his desk, typing at his PADD, then sending Spock a message. "What's going on? You've never asked to be off duty, even when you're really sick." 

It was too much. He saw the ship exploding around him, over and over. Before he knew it, he was hunched over, face buried in his hands. Bones was beside him, one hands on his back and another clutching Jim's. They sat like that for a long time and Jim spat out the story. The foreign ship, the unprovoked attack. Their deaths. Over and over and over. 

"If I could just- It would be okay. If I could just stay dead." He turned to Bones for their first time, his best friend's face blurred by tears. "I can't keep doing it, Bones. I wish I was dead." 

"You're having a panic attack. I'm gonna get ya something, okay? None of these dreams, just sleep. It's going to be okay, Jim." 

"No, Bones, please!" He stood and Jim felt as though the world was falling from underneath him. "What can I say? How can I convince you?" 

"Jim-" 

"I made Spock believe! What can I say to make you believe?" 

Bones shook his head. "If you really get Spock to believe this is anything but a stress induced hallucination, I'll believe you. But-" 

"Okay! Okay, let me go talk to him! I can convince him, just let me talk to him!" 

"I'm gonna sedate you now, okay? You need to rest, Jim. It's going to be okay. You'll feel better when you wake up."

"Bones, no! Please!" 

He didn't wake up from the sedation this time. 

. . . 

"I love you both." 

"Jim-"

"I do not understand." 

Jim stayed on his side, back to both of them. He'd stayed in bed again. Another dozen or so days had passed since Bones had sedated him. He didn't blame his friend, but talking to him had been hard. Falling asleep to the sight of his friend's face, only to wake alone, knowing what had happened, had been too much. He'd needed space. Now, however, he just wanted them to stay. 

"I am maddeningly in love with both of you. Have been for a while." Not how he'd always imagined confessing. Much less romantic. Too melodramatic for his usual taste.

"Jim, I think you need to come to the sickbay." 

"Why? Because I love you? Doesn't matter. We'll all die and it'll all start again. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters." 

He closed his eyes and let them argue above him, the world melting away as he willed this day to end. 

. . .

He snuck into the sickbay before anyone else got there and grabbed a dozen random hypos. Bones walked in as he was injecting the eighth. 

"Jim, what the hell!?" He yanked the remaining hypos from his hands and threw them aside. Jim shrugged, already fighting for air. "You asshole!" Bones snarled, disappearing briefly, then reappearing with a fresh hypo. "You're having a reaction!"

"Yeah." He managed, already feeling himself slipping. 

"Jim! Damn it, Jim!" Bones stabbed the needle into his neck, but they both knew it was too late. 

"'M sorry." Jim mumbled, leaning into his best friend. 

"Don't do this to me, Jim. Jim!" 

. . .

It was good Spock couldn't remember these days, because Jim was certain he'd be pissed about the number of times Jim dragged him through the ship. 

"Captain, I must insist you explain!" 

"We gotta talk to Bones." Bones had said he'd believe him if Spock did. So he was going to convince them together. 

"Jim? Spock? What the hell are you two doing here?" 

"We need to talk." 

Jim explained everything, sparing no detail. The further he got, the less convinced either seemed. 

"Perhaps you should rest, Jim. Clearly you are not-" 

"Spock." Jim interrupted, desperation clawing at his stomach. "Please. You- You have to trust me. As my t'hy'la. Please, you said you'd believe me!" 

The effect was instant. Spock froze, eyes wide. "How do you know this word?" He asked, voice soft. 

"You told me to call you that! You said it'd convince you!" 

"Spock, what the hell-" 

"Doctor, there is no way for Jim to know such a word unless a Vulcan informed him. As most would not, I am convinced." 

"What? Just like that!?" 

Jim blinked, shocked. He hadn't expected it to be so easy. 

"Yes." 

"I mean, if you think-" 

"No!" Jim screamed as the ship rocked, anger and despair washing over him. "Not again, please not again!" 

"Jim-" 

"We need to go!" 

"I convinced them, they believe me! It isn't fair, it isn't fucking fair!" 

"Jim, we must evacuate!" 

It didn't matter. The world exploded. For the first time in too many cycles, Jim actually felt anger at his situation. Rage at how unfair it was.

This time, he went out screaming. 

. . .

"Spock?" 

"Yes, captain?" 

It had been like the first two mornings. Jim had gone to breakfast, invited them to chess, smiled. Now, on the walk to the bridge, Jim changed course. 

"What does t'hy'la mean?" 

Spock stopped, eyes widening. Jim stopped as well. "Where did you hear this word?" 

"Uh-" He hesitated. "I think I must have read it somewhere." 

"I see." Spock stared at him a moment longer. "I believe on Earth, the closest equivalent would be soulmates." 

"Oh." Jim blinked at Spock, his head spinning and mouth drying out. 

"It is not always romantic, however. It means brother, friend, lover. To Vulcans, it is the most sacred bond." It was like everything had stopped as Jim tried to process what Spock was telling him. If that was true, that meant...

"Do you have such a bond with anyone?"

Spock blinked. If it was any other day, Jim might have enjoyed the way the shock refused to leave his face. "I do." 

Jim felt like he was choking. "Have- Have you told them?" 

"No, captain. It is not the time." 

"Oh." 

They walked to the elevator together and stood in silence. The turbolift doors opened and Spock stepped out, his pace a little quicker than it usually was. Jim followed slowly, Spock's words bouncing around his head. 

"Captain on the bridge!" 

"Status report, Mr. Sulu?" 

He went through the motions, reliving that first day again. This time, however, he felt Spock's eyes on him, watching him throughout the day. Several times they made eye contact, but it was broken before Jim could question what it was that was floating in Spock's dark orbs. 

When they went down, Jim refused to leave the bridge. He fought tooth and nail to save the ship, but it was no use. As the ship was blown to pieces around him, Jim allowed himself to turn to Spock. His loyal First Officer, who'd refused to leave without him, stared back. "Spock-" 

He was cut off by one last explosion, and then nothing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I ashaya du mesakh thon-tor" translates to "I love you beyond measure" according to an online translator I found. If that's not correct, yes it is


	6. Chapter 6

"Jim?" 

He didn't bother opening his eyes as Bones walked into his office, the confusion clear in his voice. "Put me on sick leave. Please." 

"What's wrong?"

"I just need you to tell them I can't work today. Please, Bones." 

There was a heavy pause, then movement as Bones grabbed his PADD. A few taps, a ping, then Bones spoke again. "What happened?" 

Jim sighed and sat up, making more room for Bones beside him. He could feel the worry radiating from the doctor and he hated himself for being the cause. "Have you ever been in love, Bones?" 

Another pause. Jim wondered if he'd offended Bones and prepared to apologize. Before he could, however, Bones responded. "Yes." 

"Jocelyn?" Jealousy thrummed in his head, but he ignored it. 

"Once upon a time." Jim blinked. "I wanted to keep loving her, but... I just couldn't. We weren't right for each other, but we both wanted to be married. Wanted that life, ya know?" 

"Have you been in love since?"

Jim didn't actually expect an answer. He expected Bones to ask what was wrong again, to brush him off or change the subject. Instead, he nodded. Jim couldn't help himself. "Who?" 

"No one that's interested." 

They sat like that for a long time, shoulder to shoulder, neither speaking and neither needing to. It was the kind of comfortable silence that used to fall over their dorm. It was the kind of silence that Jim had found in those moments with himself, Spock, and Bones. 

Jim spoke softly. "I think I'm in love." 

Bones snorted and looked away. "Spock?"

"Yeah. But... Bones, it's not just Spock." Bones raised an eyebrow and looked at him. Jim's heart quickened and he saw the realization fall across his best friend's features. He shifted closer, pulse racing. 

"Jim-" 

"If you want me to stop, you have to tell me now." Bones didn't answer, just stared at him, and that was all Jim needed. He surged forward, kissing him hard and desperate and completely. It felt so right that Jim wondered why he hadn't been doing it all along. He should have done this from the beginning- what would it matter? It's not like the day ever stuck. When they pulled apart, Bones could only stare. "What would you think about it? You, me, and Spock?" 

"Spock ain't interested in me." Bones pulled away, the heat, the love in the kiss vanishing as he retreated. "But you two. You were made for each other. You should-" 

"Damn it, Bones!" The ship shook violently and Jim knew he'd wasted too much time. "Damn it all!" 

. . .

"Mr. Spock?"

"Yes, captain?" 

So much time had passed. Jim wasn't even sure how many times he'd lived through this day. It was exhausting, he was exhausted. He'd tried so many things, but none of them worked. At least now he knew the time, down to the second, that the ship started firing. They had two point six minutes before it appeared, three point nine before it fired. 

"I am deeply in love with you." 

The bridge went silent. 

"Captain?" 

"Just thought you should know." 

"Captain, I do not understand." 

"That's okay. Mr. Sulu, shields up." 

"What? Captain, there's nothing-"

"Shields up, Mr. Sulu." 

"Yes, sir." 

The next minute was heavy, awkward, as Spock stared at him, face neutral, but eyes- god his eyes- seemed to flash through a thousand emotions. 

"Sir, there's a foreign ship approaching." 

"Hail them." 

"No response, sir. Should I-" That first damn hit. 

"Evacuate the ship." 

"Sir, we can escape." 

"No we can't. Go." Jim didn't rise. He sat and watched as the ship fired again. "Mr. Spock, that includes you." 

"I cannot leave you alone, captain." 

"I'm ordering you to." 

"I will not obey." Spock stood stubbornly by his side, hands folded behind his back. 

"We're not going either." Sulu declared. "We can get out of here." 

"Mr. Sulu-" 

"Shut up, Jim." Uhura called. Chekov laughed, short and nervous. 

Jim laughed too- tired and sad. It didn't matter. They would die either way. "Affirmative, Lieutenant." He watched, knowing he was helpless, as the crew fought with him, calling out orders and trying their damnedest to save their ship. When it was obvious the effort was futile, a lull fell over the bridge. 

"At least most of the crew got off." Sulu murmured. 

"You are the best crew any captain could have asked for. I love you all." Jim informed them, eyes locked onto the ship. Forty-four seconds before it blew them into nothing. 

"And you the best captain we could ask for." Spock responded easily, his hand slipping down to grip Jim's. There was a cry of agreement. 

Jim closed his eyes as the count reached zero seconds. "I'm so sorry." 

. . . 

He called Bones to the bridge four point eight minutes before the ship arrived. "What's wrong?" He asked gruffly, coming to stand beside Jim. 

"Nothing's wrong. I just wanted to tell you I'm in love with you and Mr. Spock." 

It was just like the last time, but this time they were both there, his two loves on either side, each holding one of his hands. 

It wasn't the worst way he'd ever died. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the final chapter is here! I hope you all enjoy, and thank you so much to the people who have supported me throughout. I've been crazy busy lately, so I'm sorry for not responding to comments, but please know that I do read every single one and they mean the world to me! Thank you again to everyone who's read and/or commented!

Jim woke and sighed, his eyes catching the chess board, the whiskey glasses. A familiar sight by now. He thought about the confessions. 

Without another thought, he rolled in his bed and grabbed his communicator. Bones and Spock arrived together, just as Jim finished pulling on his uniform. 

"Jim, is all well?" 

"Seriously, you better be dying. I was still asleep!" 

"I need to tell you both something." Jim informed them, watching them enter the room from his seat on the bed. 

"It couldn't wait until breakfast?"

"It's waited long enough." Jim looked at them both, love and a desperate need for them to know rising in him. "This may sound insane, but I promise, I am mentally and physically fine. Bones, you can even check after this, if you want." He began calmly. Both looked concerned, but he continued before they could interrupt. "I am in love with both of you. Have been for a while." 

There was a long silence, a moment where they both just stared at her. Then, Spock spoke. 

"Captain, I must ask, what has caused this outburst?"

Jim shrugged. "It needed to be said. I'm tired of hiding it." He was so damn tired. It had been so long and he was just _so tired_. It felt good to admit this. After the last few cycles, it almost felt natural.

"Jim, stop messing around." 

"I'm not." He shrugged. "I'm in love with both of you. Whatever happens next is up to you guys. I don't expect anything, but I needed you to know." 

"T'hy'la." The word was whispered reverently, Spock's voice shaking. Jim felt a smile tugging at his face despite his exhaustion. 

Bones glanced between the two then straightened, shaking his head. "Idiots." He mumbled, turning for the door. Jim rose to stop him, but Spock beat him to it. Spock caught the doctor's wrist and pulled him back. "Leonard. Please, do not leave. I- I must confess, I have also been harboring feelings for both of you as well." 

Bones didn't look convinced. "Look, you two are great for each other. You don't need me mucking it up. Just- let me go with my dignity." 

"Shut up, Bones." Jim couldn't think of a time when his heart had felt so full. 

"I must agree, Leonard." 

"This is insane. Actually insane. You just wanna jump into a polygamous relationship? What's the crew gonna say?"

"It's the 23rd century, Bones. I think it'll be okay. And we don't need to rush into anything. Like I said, I don't expect anything. I just... I needed you to know." 

"Perhaps we should continue this conversation after our respective shifts. It is nearly time for us to be on the bridge, Jim." 

Jim nodded. "We can meet here at 2300, okay? We'll figure out what this all means." The promise of later felt so abstract, so unreal, but it was what they'd expect him to offer. So he offered it.

"Affirmative." 

"I guess." 

Jim stepped forward, love washing over him as he took the two in. Then, he grabbed Bones and pulled him into a tight hug. "I love you, Bones." 

Bones returned the hug. "Love you too, kid." His voice was gruff, but Jim knew better. 

In the turbolift with Spock, Jim put a hand on his First Officer's bicep. "I know touch is sacred to Vulcans, so I don't expect anything. I just want you to know I love you." 

Spock looked at him, face as calm as Jim had ever seen it. "I love you as well, Jim." 

It should have made him happy. Here was Spock, saying he loved him. After everything, it should have been a relief. Somehow it only managed to break his heart. 

"Captain on the bridge!" 

He sat through his shift, sneaking glanced at Spock (who was doing the same to him) and hating everything. It had been shockingly easy. They weren't _his_ yet, but they were willing to talk. They were both interested. 

Well, Spock was. Bones hadn't said it explicitly, but Jim could remember how he'd kissed him, how he'd gripped him. He knew Bones loved him. He suspected he'd always known, deep down. Until now, he'd just been too afraid to allow himself to hope. Of course, now knowing that didn't do him much good. Not when he'd wake tomorrow starting all over again.

"Sir, there's an unidentified ship approaching." 

There it was. The worst ship in the galaxy. If only he could stop it. Steer the ship to some safe location. Maybe get aboard it and- 

Get aboard it. 

An idea hit him hard and he jumped up, body in motion even before his mind had fully considered this new plan. "Mr. Sulu, shields up! Mr. Spock, take the con!" 

"Captain-" 

"Do it, that's an order!" He called, already sprinting from the room. 

He commed Scotty to meet him in the transporter room. They both arrived just as the first hit shook the ship. Jim jumped onto the platform, the seconds ticking away in his head. "Beam me onto that ship!"

"Sir, I don't know if-" 

"That's an order!" 

Scotty's eyes widened and he began punching buttons, clearly shocked. Jim wasn't one to bark orders like that. 

He wasn't sure where he was when he landed, but he had a half-formed plan and that was further than he usually got. Jim took off, squinting at the signs and arrows directing him. As he ran, he shot any and all he came across. 

"Enterprise to Captain Kirk!" There was a tightness to Spock's voice. A small shift, something most wouldn't notice. But Jim knew his first officer well. Spock was not pleased with him.

"Kirk here." Jim responded, slightly out of breath as he approached the engineering room. 

"Captain, you must beam back aboard the Enterprise immediately. We do not know who is controlling this ship, but they are clearly hostile." 

"Can't, Spock. Nothing else is gonna work, they're too strong. I'm taking it down from the inside." 

"Captain-"

"Sorry, Spock." Jim snapped the communicator shut and shoved it back into his pocket, just in time. He sprinted into the engineering room, scanning for the most volatile pieces of machinery. It didn't take long to find them. Jim wasn't entirely sure what he was doing. He knew how the Enterprise ran. He knew what to do to keep her happy (though not as happy as Scotty kept her), but this wasn't the Enterprise. It was all cruder, more basic machinery. 

Good thing he wasn't trying to keep this ship happy. 

"Hey!" 

Jim spun, phaser up and firing, but too late. He gasped, grabbing his side as pain seared through him. Huh. Being shot. That was certainly different. Boarding the enemy ship really had opened a world of possibilities.

Still, his aim was true and the last guard was down. He turned back to the equipment and set to work destroying anything he could get his hands on. The timer inside his head was running out. Jim counted himself lucky, then, when something exploded a few feet away from him. The force knocked him down and sent pain up his side, but he ignored it and scrambled to his feet, sprinting for the door. 

"Kirk to Enterprise! Requesting immediate beam up, if you have the capability! I repeat, requesting immediate-" 

It was too late. Just as he cleared the door, fire engulfed him, catching him and spitting him out. It was somehow just like being on the Enterprise as it exploded and yet so different. Briefly, he was relieved he didn't have to see Bones or Spock die again. As he was thrown out into space, he shut his eyes and let the darkness come, that thought a comfort as he slipped away. Maybe next time he'd figure out how to save them all. Maybe next time, he'd do better.

. . . 

He woke slowly and repressed a sigh, keeping his eyes shut this time. Briefly, he wondered if this was a day when he stayed in bed. It was like his pain from the last day had followed him. Everything ached and he was so, _so_ tired. Still, he should probably keep working. Getting aboard the other ship was new. Exploring that might bring new choices. He had to escape this damn loop somehow. There had to be a way. There _had_ to be. 

It was just so hard to keep going. 

"Jim?"

And now he was hearing things. Great. This damn loop had finally driven him crazy. He thought repeating the same day would keep that from happening, but evidently not. Because now he was hearing Spock's voice, and-

"Jimmy, open your eyes." 

And Bones. Great, just great. Like this wasn't hard enough as it was.

"We can see your vitals. We know you're awake." 

Might as well get it over with. Sighing softly, Jim let his eyes fall open. 

He wasn't in his room. 

Immediately, he bolted up, eyes widening and head twisting, searching the area. He was in the sickbay, in a private room. Spock and Bones stood beside him. "Woah, calm down!" Bones grabbed him and forced him back. "You need to lay down!" 

"I'm not in my room." 

"No, you're not." Bones scowled. "What the hell were you thinking, beaming onto that ship? You're lucky Scotty had the brains to get Chekov to catch you or you'd be dead right now!" 

"Chekov caught me?" 

"Yeah, after that damn ship blew up and spit you out."

"Wait, the ship- Is the Enterprise okay?"

"Oh for God's sake!"

"Yes, Jim." Spock responded. "There was substantial damage, but because of your early order to put up shields and distraction aboard the other ship, we were able to avoid destruction." 

"How many dead?"

"None. Thirty-six injuries, but no deaths." 

No deaths. Not a single one. 

"We very nearly had one." Bones scowled at Jim, jabbing a hypo into his neck. "You damn fool!"

"Ow, Bones!" Jim complained. 

"Don't wanna get hypoed, don't almost get yourself killed!"

"I had to."

"No you didn't!" Bones' eyes were burning. "You pull this damn stunt right after telling us you're in love with us and you expect me to believe you had to? Bullshit!"

"Bones-" 

"I was preparing my speech to convince you two to enjoy yourselves without me and then I find out you beamed onto an unknown, hostile ship? Seriously, Jim?"

"I'm sorry." 

"You damn well should be! You're an idiot!"

"I am." 

Bones stared at him for a long moment, then grabbed him and pulled him into a bruising kiss. "If you'd died before I had a chance to kiss you, I'd have brought you back just to kill you again myself." 

"Noted." Jim let out a breathy laugh, chest bubbly with too many emotions to process. He could feel Spock's eyes on him, so he turned and raised two fingers, remembering the Vulcan way of kissing. The corner of Spock's lips turned up and he returned the gesture. Before Jim could speak, however, Spock's other hand curled around the back of Jim's neck. He pulled Jim into a human kiss. It was gentler than Bones', but still filled with emotion. 

"As illogical as it is, I must agree with Leonard." He said once they'd pulled apart. "You must learn not to endanger yourself." 

Jim let his eyes flutter shut and he laughed again, breathy and tired and so relieved. "I think I can do that. For you two." 

Bones snorted. "Yeah right." 

"Hey!" 

"Lay back down. You still need to rest." 

"I'm fine!" 

"You were shot, you arm was nearly burned off, and you almost suffocated. Shut up and rest." 

"Bones!" Jim moaned, obeying none the less. He let the doctor work, smiling fondly as he grumbled and Spock stood over his bed, watching with those sharp eyes of his. He thought about explaining his actions. Telling them about the loop, about being stuck going through the same day over and over. Giving them the highlights of his experience. But then Spock's fingers pressed rest lightly against his wrist and Bones' hands lingered a moment longer than necessary on his shoulder and he knew he couldn't ruin this. So he lay still and let their presences wash over him.

It was over. The nightmare was finally over. And in this moment, he didn't want to relive any of it. He'd tell them eventually. He'd explain why he'd done what he had, tell them about the highs and lows of his experience, about how much he'd seen and done and felt, but for now he just wanted to remain in the present and let himself feel loved.

And how so very loved he felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! This was a ton of fun to write and it means so much to me that even one person read the whole thing! :)


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